Sunday, January 22, 2012


There's a point when you know someone so well that you've memorized them completely. Upon observation, there are no surprises about them - only acquaintance. You've memorized the contours of their face, and the way their hair sits, you can translate every wrinkle in their expression; you know the emotions packaged into every sigh, laugh, and tilted grin. You can find their hand effortlessly, and slip yours into it without looking. You can hear their voice in your head when you read notes from them, and you can smell them when they're gone.
It doesn't really make sense, but, it doesn't really have to.

I always see more shooting stars than you, but when you miss them it's usually because you were looking at me - and that's a good way to miss a star.

"Humans are born with drives; We all have the drives to eat, to sleep, to connect. People want to understand and be understood. You shouldn't understand everything, not everything should make sense, or you lose that drive."
- Stephen Van Orden


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Star Valley

My aunt used to own a cabin in the rustic and pastoral Star Valley, Wyoming. Every summer she would take her two kids, along with my sister and me, to stay there for a few days. As the trips became ritual I started to take them for granted, but I will never forget my final visit there. The ride to Star Valley takes 5 hours. It is one of my favorite drives: going from suburbs, to highways, to winding country roads, and finally jostling up the dusty pebbled stretch of land that leads to the cabin on a hill. I stepped out of the car with my sleepy legs, trying to take in the vaguely familiar landscape, and shake the daze of a long car ride; I felt like a wobbly, callow lamb.

We spent the afternoon unpacking and the night eating Cup-o-Noodles in front of the television until exhaustion got the best of us. My, cousin, sister, and I passed out, all sprawled across the couch like ragdolls. Looking back, I now ask myself; why was I about to waste a night in Star Valley? Why would anyone rot in front of a television with so much unexplored earth lying all around? In order to chasten me for my crimes against nature, the universe decided to wake me up at a ridiculously early hour. I still am without a precise explanation as to why I jolted awake when it was still dark outside, and why I slipped out onto the front porch while still dreadfully foggy-headed. I considered going inside when my feet froze on the crimson porch stones that were fiery hot just the day before, but in my sleepy stupor I meandered to the bench overlooking the valley.

Sitting there on the dew-dampened wood, I surveyed the valley. It was a different place at night, with oceans of shadow filling up the vast spaces where spritely fields of grass reside in the daylight. The pulsating sounds of crickets and frogs rang in my ears. Then all at once, the eerie hush of night turned into the cool calm of morning. The black and navy silhouettes of pine trees began to pale into green, and the sky jaundiced. It was that time just before the sun comes out: an instant of perfect stillness.

This was the reason I woke up: for the moment right before the light and just after the dark. There was nothing inside of me but a fervent conviction that day would come. Just as gently as night fell, day materialized. It is a miracle and a mystery that the inky, looming shapes of the dark become the daylight’s masterpiece. This phenomenal display of nature has stayed with me, as a reminder that the day will always win.

Oh Mrs. V, you make me do things I like to actually keep. Screw calculus.

Sunday, January 15, 2012


I can die happy, now - since this exists.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Nonsense, really.

I'm always scared of happiness. I don't like slipping into a good mood, or letting myself be happy {even if I really should be}. Being miserable is easy, though - I'm not afraid of it. I'm not worried that someone will storm in and tear down my fort stacked with heavy books and gray sheets of sad, or distract me from deliberate depression, or interrupt my expert wallowing. No, those ideas don't scare me. It's laughter, and joy, and "I love you's" that you have to be careful with. Those are tricky, because losing them is scary. I'm not afraid of losing a bad day, but being happy - happiness in general - happiness is terrifying.

'Hey' I love you. I just thought I should let you know.

We packed everything we had and a blanket in a bag for the weekend.
And you'd say "the perfect getaway is just what we needed."
But oh man when we got there, not a hotel in town, not room to spare.

Do you remember driving home that night?
We sang our favorite songs along the radio.
And it was heaven being by your side -
We made the most of every chance we had alone.

And dimples, are dangerous as H-E-double hockey sticks.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Click, Click, Click, Click

"Hey my aunt told me something neat.
She said, everything...goes by so fast, we should try to
take mental pictures of the high points."

"Oh wow, that's cool. Click! Oh you blinked! Dammit now that's in my brain forever.
What a lousy picture."

"We should've hired a professional to take the mental pictures."

Nothing quite like psychological photography. I took a plethora of mental pictures last week. Now my mind album is overflowing with moments, a particular few will sit there always, gathering dust and periodically being reached for on bad days. *click* There was a moment when I was the reason for laughter on someone's lips, their real ugly laughter {the best kind}. *click* There was a moment when it was too dark to see perfectly and I just guessed - it's easy to guess what someone looks like when you know their face so well - 'I like it better when I can see you...there we go - hi.' 'Hi'. *click* There was a moment when I felt stupid. 'What?!' 'Nothing... I just, love you.' 'Oh. Well. That's alright then'. *click* There was a moment when everyone was looking at the sky, except me, because I was looking at everyone - and their
starry gazes that went for miles.

Oh, contented sighs will be my downfall.

Sunday, January 1, 2012


And this about sums it up, ladies and gents.

When they say promises
They mean promises.
They'd say, "that's ok, Long as we can celebrate"
You see, my uncle would say
things would change when he's dead...

"Meet me in the bathroom"
That's what she said
I don't's true.

Never was on time
Yes, that once was mine
Well, that was long ago
And darling, I don't mind.
Yeah, we were just two friends in lust
And baby, that just don't mean much
You trained me not to love
After you showed me what it was

Now she's staring wide-eyed
Can't close her eyes
Anywhere is fine
just don't waste my time
You see, my uncle would say
things would change once he's dead...

"Meet me in the bathroom"
That's what she said
I don't's true.

Never was on time
Yes, that once was mine
Well, that was long ago
And darling, I don't mind.
Yeah, they were just two friends in lust
Baby, that just don't mean much
You trained me not to love,
After you taught me what it was.

"'Sir,' I said to the universe, 'I exist.'

"'That,' said the universe, 'creates no sense of obligation in me whatsoever.'"